Life Is But A Dream…

The other night I had a dream.

I rarely remember my dreams but this one stuck with me. It came through loud and clear. It demanded that I remember it.

I was on a cliffside overlooking the ocean. It was nighttime and very windy. The wind was relentless and I couldn’t turn my head away. I had to face the wind; head on.

I asked a friend who’s into these sorts of things for a quick read. She told me that this has been a heavy year, filled with heavy loss, heavy news and luckily significant joy.

But it’s been a lot. Life is like that sometimes.

A whole lot of sadness and  a whole lot of abundance all at once.

I’ve lost some people this year who were tentpoles in my life. People who influenced me in deep and profound ways.

I’ve written about them in this space and shared with you their many amazing qualities.

I miss them.

The calls, the texts, the thoughtful or funny emails and the too infrequent get togethers.

I refer to them as tentpoles because they have lifted me up and elevated my life in so many ways.

I’ve been lucky that way. I’ve had so many people in my life that have been there with sage advice. I’ve watched these people closely and did my best to learn from their experience.

This year, I’ve lost a bunch of those folks and the world feels a little emptier without them. But the great people who cross your path never completely abandon you even when they pass. Their words linger, their wisdom lasts and I find myself drawing upon the lessons they taught me and others.

Sometimes I wonder what I gave them in return. I think it was an ear, a willingness to learn and gratitude.

But I’m definitely running a trade deficit with my tentpoles.

Last year, at around this time, I was celebrating my 60th birthday. I wanted a party because I had a sense that some of the people I wanted to celebrate with might not be around if I waited for my 65th.

Sadly, I was right.

I spent months working with Nancy Stewart-Franczak. I turned the party over to Nancy and her able partner Jen Costello and they delivered an event I will never forget. We lost Nancy earlier this year. I miss Nancy’s creativity, sense of humor, and perspective.

I also find myself missing Frances Bourque’s poetry, the way she could turn a phone call into a sonnet. I miss Kerry Koen’s wisdom and how every conversation was meaningful and left me thinking and full of new insights. What a gift he was to those of us he invested in. And I miss Mark Sauer’s endless curiosity and passion for the future which he channeled into his organization Bound for College. Mark made everyone he spent time with feel valued. What a gift to be the recipient of his energy.

I’m thankful for them all and many others who I lost this year. And grateful for those who remain. I’m savoring my time with each and every one of them.

I feel I’m shifting into a season where I will I begin to pay it forward, I hope half as well as some of my heroes.

My new career in philanthropy enables me to help great people running great organizations help others. It’s the most gratifying work I’ve done.

And on a personal level, I find myself the recipient of calls I used to make— asked to dispense advice to promising younger people hoping to make a difference. That’s gratifying as well.

The wind in my face may represent the rush of life; it comes at you with a whoosh.  The good, the bad, the sad, the ugly, the beautiful and the tragic. All of it.

Just like my dream, you can’t turn away from the gusts which never stop blowing.

You face it, all of it, with a smile, sometimes a tear but with gratitude. Always with gratitude.